Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
figuring out my emotional availability:
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you