we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
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my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”