*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
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Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato