*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
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[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!