*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
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If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz