Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
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ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one