@heatherlou_: Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
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@fire2sweet: I take pride in the fact that I have never played Candy Crush. I don't need that addiction! *snorts Twitter*
@jimmytorosian: Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess. Murderer: I didn't do nothin' Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
@BastardProphet: I don't have many enemies because I'm funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
@FatherWithTwins: My 5yo can't remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we'd go to the water park on Saturday