@heatherlou_: Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
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@ibid78: [plumber] well here's your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet* [magician] it was like that when I bought the house
@iwearaonesie: "Oh man, that thing looks irritated" - me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
@my_minivan_life: No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger's seat who knows everything
@5exyunchained: A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she's homeless.