Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
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I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”