Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
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The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
felt that
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Holy shit he’s back
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.