Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
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Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
My flabber has been gasted.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.