Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
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I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Wikigenius
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.