@stonedcoldlazy: Got a message from the anti virus app on my phone telling me Twitter was safe. Clearly, the app isn't reading your tweets or looking at pics
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@saucy_peaches: HR writing an email saying I'm a naughty girl is not an acceptable excuse to not take awareness training... Apparently
@dubstep4dads: [using ouija board] R2...L2....L1....R2...LEFT...DOWN... "what the hell?" [everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
@RandiLawson: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Do the dishes Me: Can't. Holding the baby Wife: Take out the trash Me: Can't. Baby Wife: Change the baby Me: Can't. Doing dishes.