I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
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I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?