they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
#Caturday
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?