Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
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For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I’m sorry…what?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.