Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
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“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
My god she’s good.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.