“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
You Might Also Like
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories