@kiralc: "Got any drugs or alcohol on you?"
"yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"
@gavinpivott: A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.
@thatcarlygirl: Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
@QwertyJones3: Wife: He's your son!
Me: So you say! But I don't...
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: ...ok fine he's my son.
@SamGrittner: Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.
@maxhaarhaus: Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself...
M: ...I know the plural of octopus