@kiralc: "Got any drugs or alcohol on you?"
"yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"
@MissNaughty1801: 7y:why are you putting make up on?
Me:to look nicer
7y:when does it start working?
@gerryhallcomedy: My kids don't believe that before video games, we used to have to go out and buy a hedgehog, paint it blue, then give it cocaine.
@vanderheydensax: "Well, you only live once."
- Guy, convincing himself to skydive
"Well, you only live once."
- Me, convincing myself not to skydive
@JohnHilsen: Of course climate change is man-made. It's all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
@amethystxmatt: turns out skrillexs music has healing properties: during a concert, a paralysed boy stood up and left