@kiralc: "Got any drugs or alcohol on you?"
"yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"
@doktorj: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo."
@Home_Halfway: A family of ducks walks into a church. "Hi, yes, umm...I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?" The father asks timidly.
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking
ME: Yeah, he's interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread
@Underchilde: You could kidnap my mom and she’d still ask if you’ve eaten.
@philco816: Mob Boss: I need you to smoke this guy.
Me: Ok, that takes 8-12 hours for a turkey though.
Mb: I don't care just get it done.