Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
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My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.