Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
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You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I never needed anything more in my life
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure