got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
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[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
motivation
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.