@ch000ch: got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
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@DanKCharnley: Don't make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
@JesKeepSwimming: Sorry I can't make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten "people" to ppl in a text this morning and now I'm totally behind schedule.
@trevso_electric: "Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we'll call you a liar." -insurance
@PorkUrPine: WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can't you do that ME: I'd love to but I don't know her well enough