@ch000ch: got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
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@iwearaonesie: wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week* kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
@novicefather: My wife said her new addiction is goji berries but I'd prefer she get addicted to something cheaper like cocaine.
@DaddyJew: Son: you have a gray hair Me: it's a badge of honor Son: *looks at head* whoa, you're like some sort of super soldier Me: go to your room