Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
You Might Also Like
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes