Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
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Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I want to meet the individual who made this
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there