@KrunkedRobot: Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can't be right.
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@iwearaonesie: "Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes" - me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I'm locked out
@rocknthepurple: 2yo's favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force. When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
@SkinnerSteven: HIPSTER COP: *into radio* "We've got a 13-88 in progress...it's a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn't know it"
@VerbsRProudest: I have a draft that just says "rhino!" & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.