Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
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Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
awkward
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.