@KrunkedRobot: Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can't be right.
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@ComedicBust: *Speed Dating* Me: What'd you have for lunch? Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit... Me: NEXT!!
@Cheeseboy22: My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, "Too many. You're wasting them!"
@Home_Halfway: DATE'S FATHER: What business do you have with my daughter ME: Oh this isn't a work thing, we're gonna watch a movie and smooch all night