@KrunkedRobot: Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can't be right.
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@Boo_berries_: Kidnapper: Pay up or I'll leak your nudes Me: So what? K: Then I'll tweet your drafts M: Ok don't do anything crazy we can work this out
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Our daughter lied to me. Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth? 5-year-old: It's only for people who don't have lawyers.
@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: Please stop. ME: Stop what? WIFE: Singing in the shower. ME: What's the big deal? WIFE: You're scaring everyone at Home Depot.