Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
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Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Friday night party time 🥳
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*