Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
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To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”