@iLikeCatShirts: Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
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@WoodyLuvsCoffee: If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
@LurkAtHomeMom: Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I'm officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
@miliondollameat: wife: go see if the baby sleeping *walks into baby's room* baby: corporations exploit our insecurities for profit me: no babe she woke af
@MatCro: PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids! MAGENTO: I think you've got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*