Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
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4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
getting corrected
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you