Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
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I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints