2022 be like
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I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Does this dress make me look cat?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber