Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
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Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
not to brag, but mine was free
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents