Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
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me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.