Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
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Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
bears
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*