Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
You Might Also Like
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
We avoided this particular disaster
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
A drum solo but on your face.