Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
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2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods