Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
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[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Wake me when AI does housework
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
peak technology
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph