@fillthevacuum: Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I'd lost.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@wesjohnson8: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer, "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
@Playing_Dad: [At a One Direction concert] No, I'm not a...I SAID NO I'M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
@Bagyants: It's convenient for my password security needs that my mother's maiden name is Waffles4%
@mellimelle: I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don't understand Math.