@fillthevacuum: Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I'd lost.
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@primawesome: I'm in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
@AimeeHelene1: When someone at work asks you what you're doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
@funnyortruth: Friend : "I wasn't that drunk!" Me : "Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming "YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!"
@Jenny4ashley: No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.