@fillthevacuum: Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I'd lost.
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@Prof_Hinkley: [announcement over PA at work] "FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM" *I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone's eyeglasses*
@karencheee: Marrying my gay friend bc it's important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!
@BlindChow: Cop: Freeze! Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden's bottomless pasta bowl* Rookie: We gotta go after him! Cop: No. He's gone.
@iBrowniEd: Saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall. You better believe I took it, you never know when you will need a piece of tape.