Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
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Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.