@fillthevacuum: Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I'd lost.
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@internetluke: [interview for fireman] "So why do you think you're a good fireman?" I lit the building on fire "What?" Now watch as I try to put it out
@GrowlyGrego: Is there a Twitter acronym for "Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it"?
@IziBoy121: I bought a blowup doll today, but I won't blow her up until tomorrow. I don't want to seem desperate.