Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
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a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.