@Harbinger_one: Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don't catch slurpees.
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@RtrJan: My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
@kelkulus: I can't tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
@usedwigs: The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
@jp_mcdade: Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they're into sports. *meets someone who's really into politics* Wow, I wish I was dead.