Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
You Might Also Like
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
The first matador
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.