I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
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My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji