craving $300 all of a sudden
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thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”