Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
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I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!