Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
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I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.