Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
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t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
#math
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.