Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
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Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]