“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
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I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?