GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
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Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
The government even made aliens boring
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.