Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
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If looks could kill
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
The Friday File.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Good morning!
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!