Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
You Might Also Like
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
getting corrected
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton