– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
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You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.