@DanMentos: [grabs mic during TED Talk] They're towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
@hasht4g: Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
@DadBeard: By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
@TheDailySchmuck: Black Super Mario
*Jumps on mushroom*
*Throws fireball at turtle*
*Slides down sewer pipe*
*Arrested for assault, arson, and trespass*
@internetluke: If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said "sorry to Bale on you" then I don't think he is living life to the fullest.
@BlondAmbitionTO: "Weight Watchers" because "Obesity Observers" was too cerebral.