@DanMentos: [grabs mic during TED Talk] They're towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
@kiralc: "Got any drugs or alcohol on you?"
"yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"
@Vodkantots: Whoever said, "there's no place like home for the holidays" clearly hasn't been to my house.
@Paige__xxx: Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
@dinokitten: [at Chinese restaurant]
"Hi I'll have a large goingon"
-What is goingon?
"Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food"
@T_Bonezzz: When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier