@DanMentos: [grabs mic during TED Talk] They're towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
@AristotlesNZ: Tech support guy asked me to rank my issue as normal, urgent, or extremely urgent. I did a 6min long scream into the phone & let him decide.
@ClichedOut: Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it's just--
T: I was talking to her.
@zachreinert03: My ex claimed I had a 'hero' complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
@UnFitz: Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you're allergic to half the items on the menu.
@TheDjinnTrials: Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Me: That's why I own a hot dog stand.