[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
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The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
looks legit
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds