*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
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[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Damn what did I do next
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I’m not lazy
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot