Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
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When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.